I Am Just A Dude

the case for being normal in a world of spiritual performance

The deeper I dive into spirituality and consciousness, the more this question keeps surfacing: “How do I stay true to myself as I rapidly evolve?” Just two years ago, I was the walking stereotype of a tech bro, in full garb of grey Patagonia sweater with tech company logo, Allbirds shoes, and AirPods lodged inside my earholes as I strutted down Market Street in San Francisco. Paradoxically, the more I change, the more I feel like myself. I’m shedding past identities, behaviors, and even physical items like clothing that no longer feel right. These days, I’ve been deepening my study of mythology, spirituality, and consciousness. At first, I thought there was a tension between deep inner work and living daily life. But I've discovered they're actually inseparable.

When I coach, I create space for the “deep stuff”. Here we can explore intimate and often uncomfortable topics like career uncertainty, financial anxiety, addictions, toxic relationships, and challenging emotions we often try to avoid. But outside in the real world, diving too deep too quickly can disrupt the natural flow of connection and make others uncomfortable.

I’ve been aware of this and actually enjoy small talk and doing activities without always needing to know your deepest darkest desires. I love talking about the weather. It grounds me in the relational field between me and the environment, which is a fancy way of saying that I feel connected to where I am when I pay attention to the weather. I'm especially fond of weather talk when surfing or skiing. Whether I'm floating in the ocean or sitting on a ski lift, discussions about minute weather details often transform into an appreciation for the natural sublime of gliding along a wave or flowing down a mountain.

In recent months, I’ve become aware of the subtle tension between pursuing the spiritual/consciousness path while maintaining existing relationships and interests. There’s great depth and meaning in the new pathways that I’m exploring, but I never want to lose sight of who I am. At the end of the day, I’m just a dude. I listen to rap songs filled with expletives and derogatory remarks about women. I shop at conventional grocers instead of pure whole all-organic specialty stores. I enjoy a TV show here and there. I even sometimes drink tap water.

The perceived conflict between the spiritual path and the “normal” path creates a false dichotomy that presupposes one must give up being normal in order to ascend to greater spiritual heights and higher levels of consciousness. In the awareness of this construction of an either/or decision, I choose to walk the middle path. This is a path that recognizes that I’m changing, but also remaining. It expands as I elevate my consciousness, while keeping me rooted to the ground, complete with the same people, hobbies, and simple pleasures that I love.

The Spiritual Performance Trap

I've noticed something interesting happening as I dive deeper into spirituality and consciousness work. Those same achievement-oriented patterns that helped me succeed in tech - the drive to excel, to optimize, to level up - are showing up in how I approach my spiritual growth. Executive Coach Brian Whetten calls this "repressed special" - it's what happens when high-achievers like me bring our performative mindset to spiritual development.

It's exactly like collecting Pokemon - gathering experiences and achievements instead of digital pocket monsters. I see others treating spiritual experiences like trophies, comparing retreat lengths or counting the number of plant medicine ceremonies they've done. The ego is sneaky like that.

This tendency to treat spirituality as another domain to master is what Chögyam Trungpa warned about in his book Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism. But I'm finding that staying grounded in my regular life - being just a dude who listens to rap music and sometimes drinks tap water - is actually helping me avoid these spiritual performance traps. I don't need to become some enlightened guru or collect spiritual achievements. Being normal isn't holding me back from growth - it's protecting me from the ego's tendency to turn everything, even spirituality, into a competition.

The wild thing is, I've watched this mindset push people away from real life. Friends ghosting their old social circles because they're "not spiritual enough" or quitting their jobs thinking they need to become a monk to reach nirvana. I get it. I've felt that pull too.

But what I’m learning is true spiritual growth isn't about escaping real life or collecting cosmic merit badges. It's about being fully present for all of it - the deep spiritual moments and the mundane everyday stuff. It's about finding the sacred in a morning cup of tea or a chat about the weather. You don't have to choose between being "spiritual" and being yourself.

Spiritual Awareness Vs. Spiritual Development

I'm not against spirituality or pursuing spiritual growth. But there's an important distinction I've learned from Brian Whetten between spiritual awareness and spiritual development that's reshaping how I think about this journey.

Spiritual awareness is about understanding concepts intellectually. You can get there through intense retreats, powerful substances, or studying spiritual texts. It's tangible, immediate, and often gives you that sense of breakthrough or insight. But awareness alone doesn't necessarily translate to lasting change.

Spiritual development is about embodying these insights in daily life. It's slower, less dramatic, and requires consistent practice. Instead of chasing peak experiences, you're gradually building your capacity to hold more awareness, to see more clearly, and to stay present even when things get challenging.

Whetten's observation that "you can only see as much in yourself as someone else can see in you" resonates deeply. It suggests that true growth isn't just about accumulating more wisdom or insights. It's about expanding our ability to truly see and understand ourselves and others.

This understanding has made me highly selective about what I consume. While books, podcasts, trainings, and observing others have their place, they're secondary to direct experience. The real learning comes from living life itself, from my own inner explorations, and from what emerges in coaching sessions.

I'm seeking depth in my practice by accepting how much I still don't know. Each layer of awareness reveals new blindspots, new areas to explore. This humility keeps me grounded in my daily practices and oriented toward the long-term, knowing there's always more to discover and integrate.

Real spiritual development doesn't require becoming an enlightened guru or living in isolation. It happens right here in the day-to-day - while having a conversation, cooking a meal, working out, and just being a human. This is precisely where transformation is catalyzed.

Redefining "Normal"

When I refer to being “normal”, I definitely don't mean conforming to American averages. If that was the goal, I'd be spending five hours a day watching Netflix, scrolling endlessly on TikTok, and washing down processed foods with sugary drinks. The modern American average isn't what I’m aspiring towards.

I've come to understand normal in two ways. First, there's how I experience myself - it's that feeling of being in alignment, of just being me without trying to be special or different. Then there's how others experience me - when they feel like they can relate to me, when they sense I'm just being myself.

For me, being normal means I can connect with people from all sorts of backgrounds. I don't need to swap out different masks or pretend to be more spiritual or conscious than I am. In opening up and bringing my full self, I've seen how wisdom shows up in unexpected everyday places.

Think about schoolteachers who witness the raw human experience every day in their classrooms. They're watching young humans figure out who they are, navigate intense emotions, and learn how to be in relationship with others. Professional athletes embody a level of discipline and devotion that most self-help authors can only theorize about - they understand the delicate dance between pushing limits and sustainable practice. Farmers hold wisdom about natural cycles and our relationship with the land that comes from generations of direct experience. And healthcare workers navigate the profound reality of life and death every day, making crucial decisions while maintaining their humanity and compassion. All these roles carry deep wisdom that has nothing to do with spiritual development or consciousness work, yet they each offer profound insights into what it means to be human.

I've found that staying grounded in my authenticity actually helps me bridge different worlds. I can have a deep conversation about consciousness with a spiritual teacher in the morning and then talk about the weather with my friend while skiing in the afternoon. Being normal isn't about being average. It's about being authentic enough to connect with anyone, anywhere.

The Power Of Being Normal

Being normal creates deeper human connections. Carl Rogers called this state of alignment between our inner experience and outer expression "congruence¹," recognizing it as essential for genuine human connection.

But being himself doesn’t “solve problems”. It simply opens up a new way of living in which there is more depth and more range². He feels more unique and hence more alone, but he is so much more real that his relationships with others lose their artificial quality, become deeper, more satisfying, and draw more of the realness of the other person into the relationship.
- Carl Rogers

In my coaching practice, I've discovered that showing up authentically, acknowledging my own struggles and uncertainties, allows clients to feel truly seen. When I drop any pretense of having everything figured out, it opens space for genuine connection. The shared recognition of "he's just like me" or “he actually gets me” creates a sense of belonging and connectedness.

True authenticity means embracing all aspects of ourselves. I still love competitive sports, intense workouts, hip-hop, and occasionally indulging in delicious food. These familiar interests and activities remain core parts of who I am. The drive for competition and physical challenge lives alongside my appreciation for stillness and reflection. The part of me that seeks recognition coexists with the part that values simplicity and humility.

Accepting our current reality paradoxically enables growth, as Carl Rogers observed: "When I accept myself just as I am, then I can change." I've applied this wisdom to my age and experience level as a coach. While I'm younger than many in this field and haven't experienced certain life milestones, I've also gained unique insights through my own journey. This self-acceptance allows me to show up fully, acknowledging both my limitations and strengths.

Rogers captured this spirit of acceptance through another powerful metaphor: "People are just as wonderful as sunsets if you let them be. When I look at a sunset, I don't find myself saying, 'Soften the orange a bit on the right hand corner.' I don't try to control a sunset. I watch with awe as it unfolds." Just as we learn to appreciate natural phenomena without judgment, we can extend this same acceptance to ourselves and others. Acceptance of who we really are means embracing our authentic nature rather than trying to edit or control it.

Profound wisdom often emerges from everyday experiences. Years of weightlifting taught me discipline and incremental progress long before I explored meditation. Yoga continues to deepen my embodied awareness through simple movement and breath. Time in nature, whether in the Tetons or along the Na Pali coast, reveals our interconnectedness more powerfully than any philosophical text. These normal activities contain extraordinary teachings when we approach them with presence and openness.

Being Normal In Coaching

The essence of effective coaching lies in authentic human connection, not in maintaining a facade of expertise. Peter Block captures this perfectly: "Coaching isn't a profession, but a way of being with each other." This perspective shifts coaching from something extraordinary to something fundamentally human.

In challenging the cultural stereotype of helping professionals, Ed Batista offers a radical reimagining of coaching. "Being normal myself," he writes, "allows coaching to be seen as a normal form of helping and interacting, rather than as something special or extraordinary." This perspective dismantles the traditional view of coaches as distant experts, revealing how artificial professional boundaries can actually hinder genuine connection. When coaches position themselves on a pedestal, they inadvertently create a dynamic that suggests clients need extraordinary interventions, rather than recognizing the natural, inherent capacity for growth and self-understanding.

My coaching approach recognizes that clients possess their own inner wisdom and resources. Drawing from Presence-Based Coaching and Coaching for Performance methodologies, I understand that clients aren't broken humans needing external fixes. They are complete human beings capable of self-realization and growth. The coach's role involves creating space for clients to access their own insights and solutions.

Being normal in coaching means showing up authentically, even on difficult days. I can acknowledge being frustrated by traffic or exhausted from dealing with customer service. These everyday human experiences don't diminish my effectiveness as a coach. Instead, they enhance it by demonstrating that growth and development happen within the context of everyday life. By remaining grounded in the fullness of human experience, I create space for clients to embrace their own humanness and potential for growth.

Conclusion

At the end of the day, I'm just a dude who's learning to embrace the beautiful complexity of being human. My journey isn't about transcending normalcy or side-stepping the development that still needs to be done, but about finding profound meaning within it. Spirituality isn't about becoming something extraordinary, but about being fully present in the ordinary moments filled with hip hop, small talk, simple pleasures or just being myself and vibing out. The magic isn't in escaping who I am, but in fully showing up as I am. Growth happens not through grand gestures or spiritual achievements, but through genuine connection, humble curiosity, and the willingness to remain open to life's unfolding. I'm not trying to be special; I'm just trying to be real. To be me. And in that realness, there's a depth of experience far more meaningful than any performance of spirituality could ever capture.

1. Rogers’ definition of congruence is similar to how I define coherence

2. I’ve written about individuals who I believe demonstrate Boundless Range